Be Your Love
by brighteyes87
Summary: NEW Sequel to Realize I'm Yours... I wasn't happy with the original so I'm starting over. Please read and review! A/B plot of course, others to come as the story progresses!
1. Chapter 1

**Be Your Love**

"If I could take you away, Pretend I was queen, What would you say, Would you think I'm unreal, 'Cause everybody's got their way I should feel, Everybody's talking how I can't, can't be your love, But I want, want, want to be your love, Want to be your love, for real, Everybody's talking how I can't, can't be your love, But I want, want, want to be your love, Want to be your love for real, Want to be your everything, Everything… Everything's falling, and I am included in that, Oh, how I try to be just okay, Yeah, but all I ever really wanted, Was a little piece of you…"

Chapter One

Buffy

Sleep. I wish it were that simple. You see, I can deal with things. I've been through a whole hell of a lot more than most people can say. Not to sound stuck up, but I've seen things that people go their whole lives without seeing. Then again, maybe that's a good thing, maybe people shouldn't have to see the things that I do, do the things that I do. I've spent my whole life sacrificing myself so that those around me can live ordinary lives. I've spent my whole life looking in on other people's lives, wishing that I could be in their place. I wanted to believe that I was happy, that I was fulfilled by the things that I do for humanity but in the end, there are so many times that I just wished that I could be normal, to live a normal life. So many times I wished that I could hang out with my friends, go out and have drinks with them and not have to worry about what was out there, not worry about the people who would be dying at the hands of evil.

Anyways, sleep. I thought that trying to sleep through it was the answer. It seemed anything had to be better than feeling the pain that possesses my body when I'm awake, anything had to be better than crying all the time or when you couldn't cry, it had to be better than sitting there in this catatonic state because you couldn't bring yourself to believe that what happened was reality. However, sleep isn't the answer, if anything it makes things worse. I'm exhausted, body and soul, but I can't let myself sleep. Because sleep brings on dreams and the dreams are in surround sound. I can't close my eye without seeing him there, feeling him there, smelling him there. When people tell you that sleep helps, they're insane! You see, you have a dream, a great dream and it's real to you, the touch of their skin, the feeling of their lips against yours, the sound of their voice, I'd say the beat of their heart but Angel didn't have one… Oh but if he did, you had better believe that I would have heard it or felt it. And then the unbearable happens when you wake up, you realize that it was only a dream, that they aren't there, asleep next to you, their arms aren't wrapped around you keeping you safe, their gone, and their dead. Your heart is ripped out of your chest all over again and the pain comes back all at once. It's the worst form of torture that anyone could ever imagine. It's easier to stay awake and constantly know they aren't there instead of the surprise you feel when you wake up. I hate sleep, it something I never thought I would ever find myself saying.

It's only been three days since he was taken but it seems like those days have been an eternity. I know that they are all worried about me; I hear it from the distance. They talk about me as if I'm some kind of weak, debilitated person, but then again maybe I am, I'm afraid that I'll never be the same person that I once was. I can't find the fight inside of me anymore. Instead, I replay the events of the night over and over again in my mind as a form of personal torture, wondering if there was anything I could have done to prevent it, trying to figure out if I could have jumped in front of that arrow. It's my fault, this never would have happened if I hadn't gone to them for help, I'd much rather be dead than have to live without knowing what could have been, what we could have been. Anyways, I 'm rambling again, the lack of sleep causes my mind to constantly wander and my train of thought to become interrupted. I know that they only want to help me but right now, right now, the wounds are too fresh, the band-aid isn't ready to be ripped off and although they aren't pushing, I can see the look of disappointment in their eyes. Okay, maybe I'm exaggerating a little, I just feel like I've let them down. Because of me, because of my actions, my inappropriate taste in men, a real champion, a great warrior is dead. They've lost someone who could really do so much good for those around here and instead they get the girl who can't seem to figure out who she is and cant seem to pull herself out of this depression that has taken over her body.

It's not fair. Just as I was on the brink of figuring out exactly what I wanted, just as I was getting everything that I needed from life, it's all taken away. It's just another example of how much I can't seem to make things work with anyone. The last time I tried to make it work, really give myself to someone who felt the exact same way, things went a little crazy there too. Not that I have to go into that again, everyone knows that story. I know, I know, I sound like a pity party but you'd feel the same way. I never thought, well I've thought but I never wanted to believe, that this was going to happen. Watching him die once was hard enough, watching him die twice… Well that's just cruel. It's just, I thought that things were different this time, okay obviously he wasn't human but he was different. I can't explain it, it was like I knew that this time around he wasn't going to love me and leave me like in the past, that maybe for the first time we would have had a solid chance at making it work. For the first time in a while, I was excited to see where things were going, excited to see what was going to come of my life.

It was daytime, finally the summer sun was streaming through the window and it was hotter than hell outside, fitting I think, as I feel as though I'm in hell. The gang had left me here; I think they knew that I just wanted to be alone. It had been three days and I had yet to take a shower. I guess I thought that by washing up, it would be symbolic of moving on and I wasn't ready for that, I wasn't ready to start moving on, all I wanted to do was pretend he was still there. I suppose that it was about time though, to shower, it's just that the energy was just a hard thing to muster. It was much easier to lay there in the bed, wrapped up in his clothes, breathing his scent that still lingered on them, although that familiar and comforting scent was now becoming harder to breathe on the sheets. However, Willow was starting to get annoyed, it was obvious, well they were all getting annoyed but I think Willow was just more obvious about it, she knew that I needed to start moving on but I was clutching hard to the past not wanting to believe that what had happened was reality. She was relentless in trying to get me to talk about it, but I just didn't want to, so she got up and left. Giles must have been down in the office with Spike, I hadn't really seen them, only heard them when I was laying with my back towards the door as Willow updated them on my unrelenting condition. It was a conversation that usually went the same way:

"_How is she doing" Spike and/or Giles would say after Willow answered the knock on the door._

"_Pretty much the same as yesterday, refuses to talk, to eat, to sleep, to get out of that bed. I'm not sure how much longer this is going to last."_

"_Well, keep me (or us) updated." With that the door would close and Willow would go back to the couch, pick up the book she had been reading, and resume where she had left off. Occasionally she would wander over, try to get me to talk, but I guess I was too stubborn; pushing everyone away was just kind of what I do. I couldn't really escape this place so instead I just went into myself._

I turned on the shower and just stood there, watching as the water fell from the showerhead. Taking a step back, I sat on the edge of the bathtub, waiting for the water to heat up. Maybe the shower would make me feel better, maybe getting clean would wash some of this depression away. Looking into the tub all I saw were the ashes, the dust that had been floating in there three nights ago when Spike and so carefully put me in there. I don't remember much, I was catatonic, my mind unable to process the events and now as I looked at the tub for the first time things started to come back. I could feel the tears starting to form again and I cursed myself for it. Bringing up the memories wasn't the brightest idea, even I knew that, so why is it that everything I saw seemed to bring up a different memory. And the memories that I thought of weren't even necessarily ones that were created in the last week, many of them were from the times that we spent together while we were together. I shook my head and for the first time removed his shirt and boxers, feeling as though I was pulling him away from me.

I stepped into the shower, letting the water cascade over me. As I closed my eyes, I felt his presence. It's hard to explain how it feels, it's as though you are wrapped in a blanket of comfort, that for one perfect second you know he is there protecting you, keeping you safe, and your heart goes still for a moment as if to mimic the unbeating heart that took residence in his body. It was as though for the briefest of moments, he possesses your body, letting you know that he was around, that he was watching. I tried to brush it off, to imagine that it was only me, wishing that he were around because nothing was going to bring him back this time, he was lost forever, and we would never have the chance to make it work, the one man that I had ever truly loved, the one man who I knew was my soul mate and we would never have that chance.. I could have stood there for hours if I had the strength, the water felt like a womb, comforting me when I needed it the most. I decided at that moment, that I needed to go back into the world, even if it was only for a short while, I needed to try to rehabilitate myself before I became a crazy mess and before it would become impossible for me to ever drag myself from this funk.

I stepped out of the shower and dried off, before drying my hair. Walking back into the room, I noticed that it was still empty. I don't blame them for not wanting to be around me, I was like a life sucker, I sucked the life out of everything around me because I didn't want to deal with what was happening. It was depressing to be around me and I know I would have done the same if it had been someone else. I reached for my suitcase, it was sitting near the closet, it was the last thing of mine that Angel had touched. 'Stop Buffy, stop thinking about that,' I said, reaching in and pulling out underwear, a black tank top and my favorite shorts, the heat too strong to wear anything that covered my legs completely. I put them all on quickly and walked to the window. Looking out you could see the people walking around, going on with their lives, it was like it didn't matter that he died, that people didn't care. Even though they don't know him, he did more for this city than anyone else and they just walk around, not even seeming to care that their protector had died. Off in the distance there was the faint outline of the ocean, it was where I decided that I would go, it was the only place where I could be around people but still be alone, where I could sit and let the sound of the waves crashing against the shore console me, but more importantly, it was the place where I could go and connect with him, it was the last place that we had been together, alone.

I opened his closet door, his things still hung there. Stepping in I was surrounded by his smell, it was overwhelming. I wished at that moment that there were a way that I could bottle it up, preserve it, that way whenever I needed comfort I could spray it on something and smell him, imagine that he was right there next to me, helping me to cope with whatever problem that I might be facing. Didn't everyone disserve a crutch? Couldn't that be my crutch? Even I disserved something to weaken me right? Well, I guess the last thing I needed was something that my enemies could use against me but it seemed that they had it now whether I liked it or not. It was still warm outside but I wanted to be near him, have something of his with me when I was there , to have something that smelled of him as I sat there on that beach trying to sort my emotions out. I reached into the closet and grabbed one of his long sleeve shirts, folded it up and put it in my bag, before closing the doors again, afraid that if it were open for too long the smell would evaporate and all I would have left were his clothes, void of the scent.

The keys to his Plymouth were still sitting on the nightstand where he had left them. I picked them up and rolled them around in my hands for a few minutes, debating whether I should tell the others that I was leaving. I hated to see them worry more than they already were and either way, if I left without telling them or told them they would be concerned. Willow would offer to come with me thinking that it would be a chance for me to open up, but I wasn't ready, I just needed to be alone away from the building and in a place where had been able to spend time with him. I closed the door behind me and went to seek out Spike.

He wasn't too hard to find. He was there, sitting at his desk looking over some papers. I didn't want to ask what they were, I couldn't be bothered and in many ways, I didn't really care anymore. When he looked up, he jumped. I guess he was surprised to see me out of the room, out of the bed, and I guess more importantly, in normal clothing. I had become somewhat of a ghost the past few days.

"Hey. How are you? Um. How are you feeling?" He asked me with caution.

"I'm… I'm going to leave for a little bit. I'm taking Angel's car. I'll be back later I need to get out of here."

"Where are you going? Buffy let me come with you." I heard Willow's voice from behind me. She must have been walking down the hall as I stopped by Spike's office to let him know I wouldn't be upstairs if they came looking, that way they wouldn't panic thinking that something had gone wrong.

"I just need to get out of here alone. I'm not sure where I'm going." I lied hoping Willow didn't catch it in my voice, I knew exactly where I was going. "I promise that when I'm ready, I'll talk. I'm just not there yet. It's only been a few days, I know that you are all only looking out for me but right now, I feel like I'm dying and I need to get out of here and see if I can make myself feel any better."

"Alright." Willow responded, I could hear in her voice that she was disappointed that I wouldn't talk to her. I just hoped that she knew it had nothing to do with her but with the fact that I just wasn't ready yet. Talking about it would mean that I would have to admit what happened was real and I was ready to accept the reality of it, I was ready to accept that he was gone. Somewhere deep inside of me I was hoping that something would bring him back to me, that it was all just a test, that he would be back.

"I'll see you guys in a bit." I said and left the building, heading to the beach that we spent that last night alone.

**Authors Note**

**Okay, so I know it's really similar to the original but there are differences... It's going to be like that for a little while, where things are similar until I get to the chapters I was really unhappy with. Anyways, I hope that you liked what was added and what not. Let me know what you think! Another chapter is coming soon!**


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two

Angel

With all the time that I've had on my hands lately, I've spent a good deal of it thinking about the past. The way I lived my life before I was changed into a vampire, the life I led once my soul was restored and I guess most importantly, how I've treated her in the past. I've done some terrible things in my lifetime, things that make me cringe and things that I'm ashamed of, it all changed for me when I saw her for the first time. Seeing her made me want to be a better person, to be the person I should have been all along. It was something about the way she looked, the way she radiated innocence and an inner strength that I never thought I would ever be able to have. She challenged me to be a better man and she never gave up on me, even when it would have been the easier option.

As I closed my eyes the familiar memory came back without much effort.

"_I bet half the kids down there are already awake. Lying in their beds… Sneaking downstairs… Waiting for day." I said as I looked out over the cliff. The height allowing me to see everything that I was leaving behind, to take in the city one last time before the sunlight came. It wasn't that I wanted to kill myself, I thought that it was the only option if I wanted to protect her from myself, I wasn't worthy of being brought back._

"_Angel, please. I need for you to get inside. There… There's only a few minutes left." She pleaded as I tried not to think about how it was going to affect her._

"_I know. I can smell the sunrise long before it comes."_

"_I don't have time to explain this. You just have to trust me. That thing that was haunting you…" _

"_It wasn't haunting me. It was showing me." I cut her off. I wanted to try and make her understand._

"_Showing you?" Her voice was plagued with confusion and hurt._

"_What I am." _

"_Were." She responded._

"_And ever shall be. I wanted to know why I was back. Now I do."_

"_You don't know. Some great evil takes credit for bringing you back and you buy it? You just give up?" Even then she fought for me, fought for us and I could hear it in her voice, the desperation for me to listen to her, to chose to live._

"_I can't do it again, Buffy. I can't become a killer." _

"_Then fight it."_

"_It's too hard." She wouldn't know, she never lived the life that I had. _

"_Angel, please, you have to get inside." Her eyes glanced towards the horizon. I could hear the tears forming in her eyes and the knot in her throat._

"_It told me to kill you. You were in the dream. You know. It told me to lose my soul in you and become a monster again." The thought of harming her again, of putting her through that kind of pain… I couldn't do it again, and I thought that killing myself was the best option, at least Angelus wouldn't be able to hurt her if I couldn't stop the evil inside of me._

"_I know what it told you. What does it matter?"_

"_Because I wanted to! Because I want you so badly! I want to take comfort in you, and I know it'll cost me my soul, and part of me doesn't care. Look, I'm weak. I've never been anything else. It's not the demon in me that needs killing, Buffy. It's the man."_

"_You're weak. Everybody is. Everybody hails. Maybe this evil did bring you back, but if it did, it's because it needs you. And that means that you can hurt it. Angel, you have the power to do real good, to make amends. But if you die now, then all that you ever were was a monster. Angel, please, the sun is coming up!" Her voice had changed, somewhere between a mixture of sadness and desperation._

"_Just go." _

"_I won't!" _

"_What, do you think this is simple? You think there's an easy answer? You can never understand what I've done! Now go!" _

"_You are not staying here. I won't let you!"_

"_I said LEAVE!" I was cruel, intolerably so but I thought it was the right thing to do. Her hand was now on my arm and I pulled it away just before I felt her punch. My anger grew with her inability to let go, her desperate desire to make me go back, to fight for something that I wasn't sure I would be able to. Without thinking I pushed her away and watched as she fell face down onto the hard ground. If I had a beating heart, I knew that it would have made it stop._

"_Oh, my God…" I whispered, wanting go and help her._

"_No! No!" She yelled causing me to take a step back._

"_Am I a thing worth saving, huh? Amd I a righteous man? The world wants me gone!"_

"_What about me? I love you so much… And I tried to make you go away… I killed you and it didn't help. And I hate it! I hate that it's so hard… And that you can hurt me so much. I know everything that you did because you did it to me. Oh, God! I wish that I wished you were dead. I don't… I can't." She replied. She was crying now, unable to hold it in any longer._

" _Buffy, please. Just this once… Let me be strong." _

"_Strong is fighting! It's hard, and it's painful, and it's everyday. It's what we have to do. And we can do it together. But if you're too much of a coward for that, then burn. I f I can't convince you that you belong in this world, then I don't know what I can. But do not expect me to watch. And don't expect me to mourn for you, because…" Before she could finish, the clouds filled the sky and the snow started to cover the quiet town on that Christmas morning. I should have known all along, I should have listened to her, that I needed to fight, because in the end she was right._

As my eyes opened, I looked to the wall. Right now, I knew she had no idea of what was happening, what was going on with me, if I would ever come back and watching her go through that, it was excruciatingly painful. I knew that I would be back but she didn't and putting her though that pain, it was as painful as when I learned that she had killed me the first time and everything that she had been through during that process. Watching her, through the mirror that the Oracle had given me was the purest form of torture. I knew that I had done nothing to warrant that, and that it was suppose to be a reward, but it didn't feel that way, it felt more like a burden. Do you know what it's like to watch the person you love break down? Knowing that you are so far away that you cannot do anything to help them but can only idly watch as they tear themselves apart? I know that she is the same girl that I love, that she has the fight within her but her pain is too strong, it's a feeling that I know all too much.

I took the mirror in my hands and looked down at the reflective glass. There was the picture of a quiet ocean sunset. There wasn't anyone around, and I realized almost immediately that it was the same beach that she and I had gone to the last time that we had been alone. She sat there, her eyes gazing on the horizon and upon a close examination I could see that she was crying. Her knees we pulled up tightly against her chest and she wrapped her arms tightly around them, only letting go to occasionally brush the tears from her soft cheeks. I watched as she buried her nose in my shirt, presumably so that she could smell my scent on her arms and pretend that I was embracing her.

I surveyed the scene, looking to see if she had brought someone with her, to protect her and make sure that she was safe. I had no idea what was out there, if someone was still looking for her, to avenge the death of the Immortal. She was alone and that bothered me beyond comprehension. I wished that there was something I could do, some way to speak to her. I only wanted to reassure her that I was okay, that I would be back and we could finally be together. I wanted her to know that she didn't have to be this upset because I would be coming back to her so that I could be with her, protect her, and take care of her.

I closed my eyes, allowing myself to drift back into a daydream of how I would want it to be, of how I want to come back to her.

_I walk into the hotel, it's night and pretty much pitch black as everyone has retired to their rooms, turned in for the night. The moon is out but it's small, just a little sliver leaving the lights of Los Angeles to illuminate the city. It's quiet inside and everyone is asleep. It's strange being back, being back and finally being alive. Coming back to the place that you died and in a way, the place where you have now found rebirth. I don't bother stopping to talk to anyone else, no one else matters, just her, I can talk to them later. She's the one who has been hurting, who has suffered the most from this, she is the one who should be the first to know, and that's all I want. Being with her, now that I'm alive, it's been something I've wanted for as long as I've known her, and that desire grew even stronger when I got the 24-hour taste a little over six years ago. So like I was saying, the room is mysteriously open and I walk in to find her asleep on the bed. She's wearing my shirt and underwear and clutching onto my pillow. Quietly I walk over to her and put my hand on her shoulder. She wakes up, turns over and sees me standing there. I throw my coat off and kick off my shoes before getting into the bed next to her. I can smell her, and she is so close to me now as I wrap my arms around her, she moves her head to my chest and then, she looks up at me._

"_Is that?"_

"_It is." I say smiling as I notice the look on her face. It's excitement, like a child about the get the toy they always wanted. I've seen that look on her face only one time before, and she has no recollection of it._

"_For good? This is real?"_

"_Until the day I die of old age, with you in my arms." I respond and before I know it…_

I opened my eyes once again, standing up and placing the mirror on the table before walking around the room. I lightly punch at the punching bag that I had put in the room, hoping that by excessive time working out would get me stronger faster. But really, the punching bag only served as a method of getting some pent up aggression out of my system. Watching her fall apart before my eyes is the hardest thing I've ever had to witness. And knowing that I'm the cause of it, that only I can make it better, it makes you feel desperate and helpless. I watch as she can't sleep at night, as she walks around the room, staring at the objects and out the window. She seems miles away from everything. You can see the exhaustion in her eyes, how badly she needs to sleep but still refuses to do so. When Willow, Spike or Giles come to check on her, you can see their concern, their longing for her to snap out of it, to try and find the fight that they all know exists within her, but she's too far gone now, too deep in her depression to snap out yet.

And yet, here I am, alone, watching this and wishing that I could just go back and be with her, to help her get through this, to let her know that she isn't alone.

**Authors Note:**

**Hey everyone! So this chapter has numerous changes to it! I hope that you like it! Please read and review! I appreciate all you have to say! And thank you for everyone who is continuing to read!**


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Three

Buffy

The sun started to set against the ocean changing the blue sky to a vibrant orange-red. All around families began to pack up their belongings, their children jumping up and down impatiently, ready to go home and clean the sand from their toes. I kept my eyes on the horizon, hoping that the burning sensation in my eyes caused from staring at the sun would render me blind. Maybe if I couldn't see the world anymore, if I couldn't see anything, it would be like it never happened. No, that's impossible, because I can't feel him near me, that's how I know that it happened. I feel like part of my soul has been ripped away, never to be returned.

I closed my eyes, feeling the burn caused from the heavy mixture of sun and tears. A gentle breeze began to pick up along the shore, pulling my hair off my shoulders and letting it rest against my back. A small shiver started at the base of my spine and seemed to travel to my neck causing goosebumps to appear on my arms and legs. It was the all too familiar feeling that I always seemed to get whenever Angel had been around, although this time I knew that it was caused not by his presence but rather from the cooling atmosphere.

I reached into the bag that was resting by my side and pulled out his shirt, I wanted to be wrapped up in him and it was the only thing that could simulate that. I put my arms through the shirt before pulling it over my head and over the rest of my torso. I could smell him all around me, the spicy natural scent that seemed to be all his own. I pulled my knees against my chest, wrapping my arms around them before resting my chin on my knees. The beach was slowly clearing out, many leaving to go back to their homes, to their families and friends. The new summer season meant that the teenagers who inhabited the beach were back at home, preparing for whatever party that would be happening later that night. It was a life I had never really known, my slayer duties making me grow up faster than I had ever anticipated, but it was a life I had once desired, whenever I felt overwhelmed.

My eyes rested upon a couple walking hand and hand along the shore, their feet barely touching the surf as it crashed along the sand, foaming slightly. I watched as he brought her hand to his face, kissing it softly causing her to laugh. They were so happy and I wondered if they ever thought about what might happen if something were to happen to crush that happiness. I wondered if they could live without each other. Was love real? Did it really conquer all because sitting here, alone, without him, I felt as though nothing else mattered anymore. As I lost myself in some thoughts, my eyes fell upon a family. The father had the son on his shoulders, as they walked they joked and laughed and it was another reminder of everything that I would never have in this lifetime.

It felt good to be outside. The hurt obviously hadn't subsided, everything I saw seemed to trigger a memory of some sort, or at least make me think about him. But being outside allowed me to formulate a new, different perspective on the situation. Angel had died trying to protect me, his love for me was stronger than his love of life. And, somehow that meant more to me than anything else in the world. The fact that he loved me, it was something that I knew I would have for the rest of my life, something that I could hold on to and cherish. I took a deep breath; I could feel myself wanted to start to cry again. Being there, on that beach, it was more difficult than I had imagined, especially as I began to remember the last, truly wonderful conversation that the two of us had shared on this beach.

"_I'm scared that this is the last time we are going to be together, really be together. I'm angry that for the first time I finally seem to get what I want and it's being taken away from me. I'm upset that you take on the burden of protecting me when you shouldn't have to. I'm worried about all the time I've missed with everyone this past year because they thought I died and now, if I do die, they have to go through that all over again. I'm sad because this feels so good, being here with you and knowing that this could be the last time… It makes me regret every decision we ever made, you ever made, about our relationship." I said as I felt his hand softly stoke my arm and the other pulling me closer to him. He told me that I wasn't alone in this, that he would be there to protect me. And he was, he jumped in front of an arrow so that I would live even though it meant he would die. Then he told me that he loved me, and I didn't doubt that. _

The tears pooled up in the corners of my eyes once again. As much as I had wanted to try and hold them in, it was useless, it was completely pointless because whether I wanted them there or not, they were going to fall. I had tried so hard in the past to be strong, but it was always easy because I knew that he was around, now, he was gone and I couldn't be strong anymore. I was only fooling myself if I thought that it would be easy, to move on, to keep it inside, because this is probably one of the hardest things I've been through, coming in a close second with the death of my mom. Everything there, at that beach seemed to spark a memory of him. Did I really think that I was strong enough for this? Did I really think that I was ready to be in a place where I knew would bring such strong feelings of him? The pull had been so great to go there but I never really thought about what would happen when I was there, I never thought about the fact that the memories would cause me to be this emotional. I just wanted to be there because I thought that in being there I would be with him. I guess I'm just a foolish girl.

I dug my feet into the sand, feeling the grainy substance between my toes as I wiggled them. It was something that I had always found a pleasure in but now, as I did it, I felt nothing. I was only thankful that the sand was cooler; the top had been burning hot from the sunlight that had been beating down on it all day.

_I watched Angel for a moment as he stood by my dresser, his hands on my pig, Mr. Gordo. I smiled for a moment, I hadn't been expecting to see him standing there. It looked like he was looking for something, anything that might help him understand me. I dropped the bag as I crawled into the window and stood in the room._

"_Buffy! You scared me." He said turning to face me, a look of surprise fell across his beautiful face._

"_Now you know what it feels like, Stealth guy. Just dropping by for some quality time with Mr. Gordo?" I asked, nodding to the stuffed pig in his hands. _

"_Excuse me?" I wanted to laugh at the confusion on his face. He was pretty much the most adorable two-hundred and forty one year old man that I had ever seen. _

"_The pig."_

"_Oh. I, uh.." He stuttered, looking at the stuffed animal in his hands before he put it back on the dresser._

"_What's up?" _

"_Nothing." Was his only response but I knew it was more than that, I knew him better than he liked to admit._

"_Only you don't have a nothing face. You have a something face. And you don't have to whisper. Mom's in L.A. until Thursday. Art buying… Or something." I replied. _

"_Then why'd you come through the window?" _

_I shrugged as I glanced back to the open window. "Habit."_

"_I wanted to make sure you're okay. I had a bad feeling." _

"_There's a surprise. Angel comes with bad news. Oh, God, I'm sorry. Look, I've been Cranky Miss all day. It's not you." I sighed, I valued his protectiveness, took comfort knowing that he was looking after me._

"_Well, what is it then?" He seemed truly afraid that it did have something to do with him._

"_It's nothing. Uh, we're having this thing at school." I hated to admit it but I was envious of my friends abilities to have a normal career, to have a normal life and for once it was something that I just wanted and something that I knew I would never have._

"_Career week?"_

"_How did you know?"_

"_I lurk." He responded, very matter of factly._

"_Right. Well, then you know it's a whole week of 'what's my line', only… I don't get to play. Something I just want…" My voice trailed as I looked at him._

"_You want what? It's okay." He responded. _

"_The Cliff Notes version? I want a normal life. Like I had before." I responded watching as the look on his face change, as though I had just almost broken his non-beating heart._

"_Before me." He said quietly._

"_No, Angel, it's not you. You're the one freaky thing in my freaky world that still makes sense to me. I just get messed sometimes. I wish we could be regular kids." I hated that I made him think I didn't want him in my life, he was the only thing that I was completely sure of._

"_Yea. I'll never be a kid." He responded._

"_Okay, then a regular kid and her cradle robbing creature of the night boyfriend." I responded, and watched as he looked at a picture that was resting on my dresser._

The tears began to pool in my eyes once more. It was coming to the point of me questioning whether it was even worth pushing them off my cheeks. Every now and then, a few people would walk past me. They watched, their eyes on me as I sat there crying alone. They would stare, but I didn't feel self conscious, I didn't really feel anything, they were just ghosts in my mind. After a few moments, after they had their fill of watching the depressed girl crying on the beach, they continued on their paths, continuing on with their lives. I wondered if they even knew that the person who had kept them safe, who had worked so hard to protect them was gone, and was never coming back, and I wondered if they even cared.

The only conclusion that I could come upon was that mankind was clearly not as friendly as I had always remembered. Maybe I was just in the habit of assuming that something terrible had happened to people that I always felt the need to ask them what was wrong, but not one single person who had passed me as I was sitting there had bothered to see if I needed help, if I was okay. The whole time, all I got where sympathetic looks and although I hadn't been self conscious before, I began to feel like a caged animal in a zoo and it was then that I began to wipe the tears on the sleeve of his shirt, watching as the wet tears created large damp spots.

"Are you okay?" I heard a voice from behind me ask; I guess he heard me sniffing. I glanced over my shoulder seeing a man of rather tall stature standing there, about to crouch down. "Do you need someone to talk to?" Amazing, just as I finish condemning modern society and his or her lack of sympathy or rather, concern, someone comes up to me. It never ceased to amaze me how the universe worked sometimes, you think you have everything all figured out and then, it's as though everything you thought you once knew, is completely wrong. He crouched down and placed a sympathetic hand on my shoulder. I glanced at him as he was at my eye level now and I guess if I weren't so closed off to the opposite sex right now, I would have considered him attractive.

"I'm fine. Really." I stuttered out. I was embarrassed, here I was someone who was usually so strong, and I looked like this weakling, unable to control my own emotions.

"Are you sure? A beautiful woman like you shouldn't be out here alone crying." He said. Aha! So that settles it, he's just trying to pick me up, he must have a thing for damsels in distress who need rescuing. The thing was, the only one who could rescue me was no longer around, he was the only man who I ever wanted to rescue me, and this guy only made me cold, made me angry. I didn't want him to rescue me, I wanted Angel to rescue me, just like old times. But I felt better that my opinions of mankind had not at all been thwarted as I thought they might have, he was a man, of course he stopped when he noticed I was all alone.

"My boyfriend died a few days ago and I'm kind of off the whole finding someone new thing. You might want to go find yourself someone else who needs rescuing. I'm fine by myself thank you." I managed to say just before he stood up and muttered something of what I'm assuming was 'bitch' before walking away. I didn't let it get to me though, he was just some stupid guy hoping to get lucky, I'm not sure why I didn't realize it sooner. I sighed and hugged my knees closer to my body, resting my chin back on my arms, keeping my focus on the horizon, trying to clear out my mind.

It was getting late; the sky was turning dark now. It was probably time that I head back. Being here wasn't as therapeutic as I had hoped that it would. I released my arms from me knees and stood up, brushing the sand from my shorts. I reached down, grabbing my bag and pulled out Angel's keys before walking to the car and leaving the beach.

**Authors Note:**

**Hey guys! Hope you liked the new chapter! Thank you for all those who continue to read and leave feedback! I appreciate it. This chapter is obviously different as I want to go a different route a little than I had in the original. Now... A little bad news. I won't be able to write as much, I haven't been able to write as much as summer has been CRAZY but now I have a job at a law firm so I'm busy a lot more but I'm still trying to single out some time each day to write a little... That just means that it takes a little longer. I'm also kind of on a block with Asking For Trouble... I love the story and I'm NOT abandoning it... It's just on hiatus right now. But I will bring it back! I promise! Anyways, please continue to read and review! It makes me more excited to get new material to you all!**


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter Four

Willow

It's hard to describe the feeling of watching your best friend in the world, the one who was always there for you when you needed it, fall apart. It's almost impossible to watch. It's been such a long time since I've seen her like this, and all I want to do is help but I have no idea what I can do right now. I want to get her out of the Hyperion but I'm afraid that she'll protest, I know that all she wants to do right now is be as close to him as she can possibly be. It's not healthy, it's not healthy to spend all your time, cooped up in that room, wrapping yourself in his clothes so you can smell him around you. So many times I wanted to yell at her to snap out of it, it's not like her, none of this is like her.

When she came downstairs, I was hoping that she would finally open up to us. I would have been happy if she just joined us for a while, sat with us, just let us back into her life even in the littlest bit possible. I guess that was too much to ask for really, and in so many ways I guess I don't blame her. I kind of know what she is going through, sort of.

"_Oh God. Oh no… Please… please, come on… Come on Tara! Please! Come on baby… By Osiris, I command you! Bring her back! Hear me! Keeper of darkness…" All I wanted was her to come back to me, we had only been together, truly together, for such a short time. I thought we had much longer, I thought we had many more years ahead of us. It wasn't fair._

"_Witch! How dare you invoke Osiris in this task!" _

"_Please, please, bring her back!"_

"_You may not violate the laws of natural passing…"_

"_How? How is this natural?" She was so young, she was murdered. How… I was so confused._

"_It is a human death, by human means."_

"_But I…"_

"_You raised one killed by mystical forces. This is not the same. She is taken by natural order. It is done."_

"_No. There has to be a way!"_

"_It is done!" _

All I wanted, as I watched Buffy with Angel on that day, all I wanted was to make that pain, the pain I knew she would feel go away. I wanted to help, to stop whatever it was from happening before it did. But I failed, just like I failed Tara. I couldn't even bring myself to tell Buffy that I had tried, that I had tried to stop this from happening but I couldn't. My powers have been different since the darkness took over. No, I'm not in that same place that I was before but my willingness, my eagerness to use magic, it's changed. I know I'm more apprehensive and in some ways, it makes me weak.

I stood by the window and looked out. Night was starting to fall on the city, the bright lights of Los Angeles began to shine and it created a soft yellow orange glow along the horizon. She still wasn't back and although I know she's a big girl and that would mean she could take care of herself, her mind frame right now just isn't stable. She isn't capable of taking care of herself. Greif makes people do stupid things, and this kind of grief, well, it's the mother of all grief's. She'd been through it once, and it caused her to leave all of us behind, I guess I was worried that the same thing was going to happen again, only, maybe this time she would go for good.

I started to pace the room, kind of like a mother whose teenage daughter was out on her first date and it was past curfew and she still hadn't come home yet. Every now and then Spike or Giles seemed to stop by the room to ask if she had come back yet. Giles and Spike and continued to do research on the Immortal after Angel was killed, they needed to see if something, or someone would come after Buffy, or any of us for that matter and what they were finding wasn't exactly calming, and the fact that Buffy was out there, on her own, and in a weakened state, well, there were many reasons for our concern. However, at this point, if I know her as well as I think I do, she doesn't really care, I'd almost put money on her openness to death right now.

It was past eleven when the door opened and Buffy walked through them. My pacing had thankfully subsided and I had taken residence on the couch, finding myself channel surfing. She didn't seem to acknowledge me, her eyes met mine for a few moments and then she was back in the closet, presumably changing into his clothes before getting back into the bed. She'd probably be angry with me, when she was gone I thought it would be a good idea to change the sheets, so for her that meant his scent no longer lingered on them. I just figured that not only would it be more sanitary, but that maybe it would help with the moving on process, plus, well the sheets were just gross.

"Where did you go?" I found myself saying as she emerged from the closet, clad, just as I had thought, in a pair of his boxers and one of his shirts.

"Just… out… I don't know." They were the only five words I got that night. But I guess five words was an improvement from the previous zero that I had gotten over the past three days.

"Goodnight." I said quietly, turning the TV off as I laid back against the pillows and closed my eyes, allowing my stress and worries to subside. I'm not really sure how much more of this I can take, how much longer I can sit here and watch her torment herself like she is. She needs to do something about the grief before it takes over, it's just a matter of figuring out what we can do for her.

_I found myself in a white room. There was no one around, just the blinding whiteness that seemed to burn the eyes as you looked at it. Confused I stood up and began to inspect my surroundings. But all that I could determine was that the room was a square, and not a big one at that, maybe twenty feet by twenty feet. _

"_Hello?" I called out but it received no response. I could feel the panic start to rise in my chest as my breathing seemed to get slower and heavier._

"_Where am I?" I called out again. I had no idea what I was hoping to get, who I was hoping to see. I just knew that something didn't feel quite right. _

"_Willow Rosenberg." I heard a voice call, causing me to turn and look. Yet there was nothing there, not a soul. _

"_Who is this? What is going on? Where am I?"_

"_None of that is important. I only come to bring you a message; you are then free to go. In one week's time, the Powers that Be are sending Angel back to earth, alive and well. We have no use of him in his former state and by aiding in the capture and death of the Immortal, he has fulfilled shanshu. We now charge him with the role of protecting Buffy, the Immortals followers are seeking to hurt her and we need him to fight with her. As for your role, we fear that those who are going after Buffy will try to interfere with her dreams, we will send word of dangers through your dreams, much like this one. When the time draws closer to Angel's return, another message will be sent to you, you must be there when he returns to help him. However, you are not to speak a word of this yet, we cannot allow anyone to get word of this."_

"_I can't even tell Buffy?" I asked, not sure how I could keep this a secret from her knowing that it would bring her out of her funk and back into a productive real world._

"_You cannot speak a word to anyone. For appearances sake, if the Immortals followers sense a change in her demeanor, it is possible that they will attack before Angel is ready to return, he still has a great deal of healing before he can be ready to fight."_

My eyes opened and I found myself in a puddle of my own sweat. I sat up, my eyes adjusting to the darkness as I glanced over towards the bed were Buffy was sleeping, but not peacefully. She lay there, tossing and turning, occasionally muttering angrily. I realized that she was reliving that day, that night, and now, I had the ability to soothe her, but at the same time, I had to keep that information from her. Information that I knew was important to keep from her, but also important that she knew. I had no one to turn to, no one that I could talk to, and I was more confused than I had been in a long time.

**Authors Note**

**So I know it was a really, really short chapter but when I was going through the old version I realized that this was a small blurb that I totally skipped over so I just wanted to put it in. Anyways... I hope that you enjoyed it! Thank you to everyone who is reading! Please continue to read and review! **


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